Not-quite-four years ago, I launched The Trephine, my fourth blog, with a now-deleted post reviewing a lot of painful backstory that connected old readers to my new life as a divorcee. The experience that followed has been incredibly rewarding. Some of the emails I’ve received as a result of this blog, in which strangers poured out their hearts to me, will stay with me for the rest of my life.
I’m proud of the stories I’ve been able to tell here, because they are true and because I earned them. I got rid of all my stuff and fit my entire life into my car. I helped start a roller-derby league in my hometown that is still there today, and my last event with them raised almost thirty thousand dollars for cancer research. I took a huge leap of faith (and of geography) for love after knowing Andy for a very short time. With his support, I became a software engineer using nothing more than a couple hundred dollars’ worth of materials, and in two weeks I am marrying him.
These years have certainly been interesting, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything.
During this era of my life, the “rolling memoir” format has served me well, but at this point, I’m not sure what I could really do to top myself. Frankly, it’s not particularly healthy for me to be epic all the time. Many of my accomplishments throughout these healing years were fueled by fears and anxieties that had to go somewhere. They were tough, joyful, stressful, and sometimes even euphoric experiences, but they could not have happened without that tinge of desperation that bloomed in my chest the moment my marriage ended and I had to start actively figuring out how the hell my life was supposed to proceed. I see people who can’t stop, the famous if not legendary ones who must do amazing things until the day they die, and I both envy and pity them, because their lives are both wonderful and fraught in a way that I have personally found to be rather tiring.
There is such a thing as ordinary happiness, and if you find it, you may be better off than your own heroes.
(But if you must do epic things first, if your ego drives you compulsively onward, that’s not such a terrible way to go about things either. Maybe you find ordinary happiness by becoming extraordinary, and enjoying it, but also realizing that it won’t fix everything, that you still have to wake up the next morning and find some other way to get by and feel okay about it.)
The other problem here, aside from the impending boringness (which I not only sense in my life, but welcome with open arms) is that I’m becoming more technical. I don’t really want to talk about feelings that much anymore. I want to talk about APIs and AngularJS and a lot of other stuff that very few people reading here are going to care about, because programming has made my brain so happy and I’m so excited about everything I still don’t know.
It’s funny, how guilty I feel about that, how I wince a little when my tweets get too technical. It can be hard to feel okay with change in yourself. Big changes in you are always going to disappoint someone. Happiness is often boring under the very best circumstances, and I think we can all agree that “she’s happy because she now studies a ton of crap I do not care about, and when she talks about it she sounds as if she is speaking in tongues” is not ideal for most.
That said, I am ready to accept my fate. I am not ready to stop writing, Internet. But I am ready to start disappointing you in the name of finding the ones who can’t wait to hear what I have to say. I’m sorry if it isn’t you.
I’m not sure when my Trephine posts will go offline, but I’m fairly certain that most of them will. If there’s something I’ve written that you want to keep, you may want to copy it into a Google doc or otherwise hang onto it. People sometimes email me to ask about a post they remember but can’t look up, and I try to find it and send it if I can. If you have your heart set on a post and you can’t track it down, let me know.
If you use a feed reader, you’ll stay posted on whatever I’m doing until you choose not to — I’ll attach this feed to whatever new (boring, decidedly less literary) blog I wind up with, which will probably take me many months to get together among other priorities. I’m also yapping about liberal politics and my cats on Facebook more than my relatives would probably like me to be. I’m also on Twitter.
But: no pressure to stick with me at all, in any form. Even if you don’t, it has been an honor to have your trust. It has been an honor to share my life with you.