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Microsoft Introduces New Cortana App for Window 10

As we already know Cortana has disappeared from the X-Box One as well as Windows 10. This is all that have been on the web lately. But good news for all Cortana fans who still exist somewhere on this planet. Though there isn’t any confirmation about the X-Box One’s Cortana, one on Window 10 is certainly getting her back. Microsoft revealed to be testing a new chat-based UI for Cortana on Windows 10 PCs. The Cortana is available to testers as of last month in form of a new beta app. This new app supports text as well as voice queries.

Microsoft basically focused on making the new Cortana more conversational. Big news for all those Window PC users who love to chat with Cortana. Separating it from the built-in Window 10 search system, Cortana now focuses on business users in its processes. Its latest and exciting features include queries, assistant conversations, opening apps, managing lists, and other basics like setting reminders, alarms, and timers.

One of the greatest things in Cortana being an app now is you can keep in touch with the latest updates. As there will be more in the future considering not all features are revived yet. Users can will be able to get these updates through Microsoft stores.

The Cortana app is available in the latest Fast Ring preview of Windows 10, build 18945. The app will be available to use for all the Window 10 users by the half of 2020. Microsoft has also made some changes to make the command “Hey, Cortana” little less disturbing. Moreover, the assistant is now available with both light and dark themes for Window 10 users. Again, thanks to the new speech and language upgrades the performance should also considerably improve.

Also earlier this week Microsoft has also evolved how it handles the voice commands on X-Box moving form on-console to a cloud-based assistant experience. This would mean users can’t talk to Cortana though their headsets now. However, they can use the Cortana app available on iOS, Android, and Windows. You can also access the X-Box skills through Harmon Kardon Invoke speaker.

Other than the changes in Cortana, there are some Windows 10 test include Windows Subsystem for Linux (WSL) enhancements. Like now you will be able to access WSL 2 Linux networking applications through a local host. This means, developers can now access the host servers using any local browser.

Microsoft Dynamics 365 For Finance and Operations MB-330 Practice Questions

Microsoft MB-330 Exam is aimed at functional consultants to validate their skills to implement product information management, implement inventory management, implement and manage supply chain processes, and implement warehouse management and transportation management and perform business processes. Passing this Exam will get you Microsoft Certified: Dynamics 365 for Finance and Operations, Supply Chain Management Functional Consultant Associate Certification.

Now how to pass is the real question as Microsoft Exams are prone to be tough. But no worries, because Free Microsoft MB-330 Practice Questions can help you through this hard time making it really easy. MB-330 Practice Test Questions are prepared by the best of Microsoft Professionals in the industry to tackle the core requirements of the exam. Be assured that with these Microsoft MB-330 Practice Exam Questions you will pass this exam and with distinction. Order your set of MB-330 Practice Test Questions Answers now! To make this certification yours.

Question # 1:

A company needs to create new items that can be company owned or vendor owned.
You need to create and set up the items so that they can be used as company owned or consignment.
What should you do?
A. Assign a non-stock service item model group
B. Assign a moving average costing inventory model
C. Activate batch dimension and assign a standard costing inventory model
D. Activate owner dimension and assign a standard costing inventory model
Answer: D

Question # 2:

A company uses trade agreements for their customers. Prices for some customers must round to the nearest US dollar.
A customer reports that prices do not round to the nearest US dollar as required.
You need to resolve the issue.
In Trade agreement journals, which option should you use?
A. Adjustment
B. View smart rounding
C. Validate all lines
D. Apply smart rounding
E. Apply smart rounding
Answer: D

Question # 3:

A company creates several item costing versions.
All new and existing items have costs associated with them. After applying the costs, the company notices the activation date has not been updated.
You need to update the items to the current date for activation.
What should you do?
A. Set the item cost record status to Active
B. Set the from date to today and leave the item cost record status at Pending
C. Set the item cost record status to Pending
D. Set the cost price and date of price on the released product
Answer: A

Question # 4:

An employee at a company releases a new product from the Released product maintenance workspace.
An employee in another department is unable to add the product to a sales order. You determine that dimension groups have not been applied to the product.
You need to ensure that the product can be added to the sales order.
Which two inventory dimension groups should you add to the product? Each correct answer presents
part of the solution.
NOTE: Each correct selection is worth one point.
A. Tracking dimension group
B. Coverage group
C. Product dimension group
D. Storage dimension group
Answer: C, D

Question # 5:

A company manufactures wood furniture.
Cabinets can be purchased with different wood finishes including oak and maple.
You need to configure a product attribute to characterize the types of cabinet finishes.
Which three actions should you perform in sequence? To answer, move the appropriate actions from the list of actions to the answer area and arrange them in the correct order.
Select and Place:


MD-101 Sample Questions

Question # 1:

Note: This question is part of a series of questions that present the same scenario. Each question in the series contains a unique solution that might
meet the stated goals. Some question sets might have more than one correct solution, while others might not have a correct solution.
After you answer a question in this section, you will NOT be able to return to it. As a result, these questions will not appear in the review screen.
Your company uses Windows AutoPilot to configure the computer settings of computers issued to users.
A user named User1 has a computer named Computer1 that runs Windows 10. User1 leaves the company.
You plan to transfer the computer to a user named User2.
You need to ensure that when User2 first starts the computer, User2 is prompted to select the language setting and to agree to the license agreement.
Solution: You perform a remote Windows AutoPilot Reset.
Does this meet the goal?
A. Yes
B. No
Correct Answer: B
Section: [none]

Question # 2:

Note: This question is part of a series of questions that present the same scenario. Each question in the series contains a unique solution that might
meet the stated goals. Some question sets might have more than one correct solution, while others might not have a correct solution.
After you answer a question in this section, you will NOT be able to return to it. As a result, these questions will not appear in the review screen.
Your company uses Windows AutoPilot to configure the computer settings of computers issued to users.
A user named User1 has a computer named Computer1 that runs Windows 10. User1 leaves the company.
You plan to transfer the computer to a user named User2.
You need to ensure that when User2 first starts the computer, User2 is prompted to select the language setting and to agree to the license agreement.
Solution: You create a new Windows AutoPilot user-driven deployment profile.
Does this meet the goal?
A. Yes
B. No
Correct Answer: A
Section: [none]

Question # 3:

Note: This question is part of a series of questions that present the same scenario. Each question in the series contains a unique solution that might
meet the stated goals. Some question sets might have more than one correct solution, while others might not have a correct solution.
After you answer a question in this section, you will NOT be able to return to it. As a result, these questions will not appear in the review screen.
You need to ensure that feature and quality updates install automatically during a maintenance window.
Solution: From the Maintenance Scheduler settings, you configure Automatic Maintenance Random Delay.
Does this meet the goal?
A. Yes
B. No
Correct Answer: A
Section: [none]

Question # 4:

Note: This question is part of a series of questions that present the same scenario. Each question in the series contains a unique solution that might
meet the stated goals. Some question sets might have more than one correct solution, while others might not have a correct solution.
After you answer a question in this section, you will NOT be able to return to it. As a result, these questions will not appear in the review screen.
You need to ensure that feature and quality updates install automatically during a maintenance window.
Solution: From the Windows Update settings, you enable Configure Automatic Updates, select 4-Auto download and schedule the install, and then enter a time.
Does this meet the goal?
A. Yes
B. No
Correct Answer: B
Section: [none]

Question # 5:

Note: This question is part of a series of questions that present the same scenario. Each question in the series contains a unique solution that might
meet the stated goals. Some question sets might have more than one correct solution, while others might not have a correct solution.
After you answer a question in this section, you will NOT be able to return to it. As a result, these questions will not appear in the review screen.
You need to ensure that feature and quality updates install automatically during a maintenance window.
Solution: From the Maintenance Scheduler settings, you configure Automatic Maintenance Activation Boundary.
Does this meet the goal?
A. Yes
B. No
Correct Answer: B
Section: [none]

Real MB6-896 Dumps Questions Answers

Question # 1:
You negotiate product-specific pricing with a customer for two products.
You need to create a sales price trade agreement for the customer that includes the two products.
Which three actions should you perform? Each answer represents part of the solution.
A. Validate and post the journal.
B. Enter the journal lines for each product.
C. Create a trade agreement journal.
D. Select a relation of line discount (sales.)
E. Select an account code of Group.
Answer: A B C

Question # 2:
You need to enable the purchase order (PO) process to initiate for a vendor when the vendor accepts a PO.
Which option should you choose?
A. Active (PO is auto-confirmed)
B. Not active
C. Pending
D. Active (PO is not auto-confirmed)
Answer: A

Question # 3:
You need to create vendor accounts by using Microsoft Dynamics 365 for Finance and Operations.
Which field is mandatory?
A. Group
B. Credit limit
C. Method of payment
D. Mode of delivery
Answer: A

Question # 4:
You need to configure a customer record to enable shipment of orders to the customer by rail.
What should you do first?
A. Set up a delivery charges group.
B. Create terms of delivery.
C. Create a mode of delivery.
D. Create a destination code.
Answer: B

Question # 5:
You are creating a customer record.
You need to add transportation costs to customer orders.
What should you define?
A. Sales Tax Group
B. Terms of Payment
C. Delivery Terms
D. Mode of Delivery
Answer: D

AZ-302 Exam Questions Answers

Question #1:
You are developing an ASP.NET web application that you will deploy to Azure. The solution must meet the following requirements:
• Store user session state by using only serializable data types.
• Provide customizable caching of session data.
• Support scaling out the number of web hosts-
• Maximize performance.

Which solution meets these requirements?

A. Clustered Azure Redis Cache
B. ASP.NET Output Cache provider for Azure Redis Cache
C. in-memory session state provider
D. SQL Server session state provider

Answer: C

Question # 2:

Note: This question is part of a series of questions that present the same scenario. Each question in the series contains a unique solution that might meet the stated goals.
Some question sets might have more than on correct solution, while others might not have a correct solution. After you answer a question in this section, you will NOT be able to return to it. As a result
these questions will not appear in the review screen. You have an Azure Active Directory (Azure AD) tenant named Adatum and an Azure
Subscription named Subscription 1. Adatum contains a group named Developers. Subscription1 contains a resource group named Dev.
You need to provide the Developers group with the ability to create Azure logic apps in the Dev resource group.
Solution: On Subscription1, you assign the DevTest Labs User role to the Developers group.

Does this meet the goal?

A. Yes

Answer: A

Question # 3:

You configure Azure AD Connect for Azure Active Directory Seamless Single Sign-On (Azure AD Seamless SSO) for an on-premises network.
Users report that when they attempt to access, they are prompted multiple times to sign in and are forced to use an account name that ends with on

You discover that there is a UPN mismatch between Azure AD and the on-premises Active Directory. You need to ensure that the users can use single-sign on (SSO) to access Azure
resources. What should you do first?

A. From the on-premises network, deploy Active Directory Federation Services (AD FS).
B. From the server that runs Azure AD Connect, modify the filtering options.
C. From the on-premises network, request a new certificate that contains the Active
Directory domain name.
D. From Azure AD, add and verify a custom domain name.
Answer: A

Question # 4:

You have an Azure subscription. You have 100 Azure virtual machines. You need to quickly identify underutilized virtual machines that can have their changed to a less expensive offering. Which Wade should you use?
A. Metrics
B. Monitor
C. Customer insights
D. Advisor
Answer: B

Question # 5:

You are developing an internal website for employee to view sensitive data. The website uses Azure Directory (AAD) for authentication.
You need to implement multifactor authentication for the website. What should you do? Each correct answer presents part of the solution.
NOTE: Each connect selection is worth one point.

A. Upgrade to Azure AD premium.
B. In Azure ACL enable application pages.
C. Configuration the website to user Azure AD BDC.
D. In Azure AD conditional access enable the baseline policy.
E. In Azure AD create a new conditional access policy.

Answer: C,E

A Complete Guide To Microsoft Certifications And Career Paths

Microsoft Organization is known as the provider of the Windows Operating System and Office Software in general but there is more to it. Other than offering many online services like Bing, MSN etc., Games i.e. Xbox 360 and hardware components including PCs, Keyboards Tablets and many more The company has a certification program with the name Microsoft Certified Professionals Program to increase the number of Qualified Administrators and Technicians of Microsoft among you.

Microsoft first launched its MCP Program back in 1992 and has been rapidly improving from then on. Every Microsoft certification specifies skills and know-how on certain technology of Microsoft and through passing several exams a person can become MCP certified verifying his/her competency with that specific Microsoft Technology.

Test4practice practice test

An Overview To Microsoft Certification Program:


At present, the Microsoft Certification Program is classified into seven core groups:


This Group covers cardinalities like Windows Server 2016, Microsoft Azure, cloud data platform solutions, server infrastructures, private and hybrid clouds, DevOps and many more.


This group includes end-user and desktop topics i.e. Windows 10, desktop and enterprise applications, working with System Center Configuration Manager and Intune, planning & managing devices in an organization.


This area contains all the data related skills and knowledge like machine learning, business intelligence, business applications, and data management and analytics, accompanied by Microsoft SQL Server 2016 and other Microsoft database technologies.


This group focuses on skills specialized to office and works for Microsoft Office Specialist (MOS) credentials it includes all Microsoft productivity aids like Exchange Server, SharePoint Server Skype for Business, and also including Office 365 characteristics, necessities and services.

App Builder:

This group includes architects, designs, test and solutions for Azure, SharePoint Server, Visual Studio Team Foundation, and managing development during the whole software lifespan.

Business Applications:

This group emphases on Microsoft Dynamics 365 platforms and technologies, counting Dynamics 365 for Sales, Customer Service, Distribution and Trade (AX), Financials (AX), Finance and Operations, Retail, Field Service and other major applications.

Certifications in the Microsoft Certification Program include:

  • Microsoft Technology Associate (MTA)
  • Microsoft Certified Solutions Associate (MCSA)
  • Microsoft Certified Solutions Expert (MCSE)
  • Microsoft Solutions Developer (MCSD)
  • Microsoft Office Specialist (MOS)
  • Test4practice Practice Question

After passing certification exams associated with the above-mentioned certifications you become the holder of Certification. Among these only MCSA, MCSD and MCSE qualify for the MCP Certification other than these five Microsoft also offers Microsoft Certified Trainer (MCT) & Microsoft Certified Educator (MCE).

Microsoft Certification Benefits:

Just like every other certification program Microsoft also provides certification on passing their related to that specified technology you have given exam for. All Microsoft exams contain specific knowledge to a particular technology. And earning such a certification through passing an exam you get to have the benefits of finding a better and more compatible jobs in highly developed posts. A Microsoft Certification not only improves your basic skills and capability but also increases chances for you to nail a well-paying job. According to a research by Microsoft the chances of getting a job increases by 5 times if you have a Microsoft certification and more than 80% mangers at well reputed organization prefer a person with an IT Certificate. Microsoft certifications include skill set that is highly demanded and will make certain you earn a high wage in the future plus Microsoft certification do not expire.

Jobs & Careers you can land with Microsoft Certifications:

IT Professionals having earned Microsoft Certification enjoys the perks of receiving added acknowledgement from managers at hiring post plus there are better chances for them on landing a well-paying and progressive job plus more promotion opportunities.

A Microsoft Cloud Certification is the best choice for a professional who wants to design, deploy, configure and mange a standalone or cloud-based window server environment. This type of certification achievers gets jobs on posts like system administrators or analysts and Technical Specialists.

A Microsoft mobility Certification is best for those who wish to have deploying, configuring or managing skills for a windows desktop environment. This type of certification will land you jobs like Desk Technician, Support personnel and System Administrators etc.

Microsoft Productivity Certification holders normally find jobs for managing productivity of specific Microsoft platforms like Microsoft Office, Microsoft Office 365 and Microsoft Dynamics 365, covering CRM, ERP and more.

Handling Data serves a great purpose thus Microsoft Data Certifications can get you jobs in several areas. Upholding Database is of prime importance for many organization in these days thus getting a job as a database administrator is easy after attaining Microsoft Data Certificate.

A Microsoft App Builder Certification verifies your web and mobile application development capabilities using essential tools and analysis to create the software program for different Microsoft applications. After attaining Microsoft App Builder Certification, you can easily qualify for application developer post. An application developer works on application software with teams as well as alone occasionally.

Microsoft Business Applications certifications goal is to upgrade skills of those IT Professionals who work with upgrading, configuring and customizing such systems, and also those who develop custom applications for precise, exclusive uses in-house or on behalf of clients. With this certification you can work on various other organizational units such as sales, finance, distribution and trade and more.

Microsoft Certified Trainers and Educators also get many of Microsoft based benefits in getting a well-defined job in IT industry.

Studying For Microsoft Certification Programs:

For training and preparing candidates for several of Microsoft Certification Programs Microsoft offers guidance both in classroom and online. There is this Microsoft Virtual Academy (MVA) that supports a wide range of free training courses for candidates interested in getting skills and knowledge for Microsoft Techs. They also include some of if not all certification exam topics.

Besides that, there are various websites and other guides published for candidates to prepare themselves for the exam, such an example is is the quite popular among all Practice Questions providers. They have an online Practice Tests system with study guides as well. They provide the most accurate and real Practice Exam Dumps on affordable prices with guarantee of 100% success in first attempt.

Misery isn’t the only thing that loves company.

I’m happy. Profoundly so. I want to say that I’m happier than I’ve ever been, but I have a tendency to think that at any given time, that same way you always think you’ve never been in love before just as soon as you are, again.

But I am happy, and the most striking thing for me is that for once, I’m feeling that way on my own, as plain old me. I have not accomplished very many desirable cultural markers. My marriage failed, and I’m childless. I’m not engaged and I don’t own a house. I don’t have an iPad or an iPhone or an iAnything. I don’t have a lot of money, and my wardrobe is downright pitiful. I am happy for very little reason at all, as far as I or anyone else can tell, and that makes me feel safe, insulated from the ups and downs of those two most revered economies, love and money. If you can be happy without a reason, there is nothing to guard. 70-533 dumps are the ones I can rely on.

Perfection has tumbled from my grasp, thank God. If you’re still slaving toward an existence worthy of a photo spread in a magazine, you probably have no idea what a blissful relief this can be, like taking off pantyhose at the end of a beautiful evening that nonetheless required a great deal of bickering and sucking in and fussing with your hair.

I’m playful in grocery store lines, in the DMV. I string up colored lights. I sing. I dance my feet into blisters. I roll out dough. I pump the bicycle pedals. I scritch cats and dogs and bunnies and any other friendly creature that comes my way. I make terrible puns. I feel fall-to-my-knees grateful that I’m alive, I’m healthy, and I’m employed. I recognize hard times, tough days, and bad moods as temporary, as separate from who and what I am. I come home and I kick the snow off my boots and I say hello to my run-down, leaky, drafty home as a place that I am truly glad to be. I fall asleep smiling, often with a cat purring under my chin.

Happiness is not something I feel when I stop to think about it. It’s not something I am only willing to concede when someone points it out. I feel it, almost all the time, woven into everything, this sense of pleasurable wonder. I crack open cold cans and I perch them on ledges in steamy bathtubs and I read. I read, and I learn, and I am awed by all of it, by the slosh of the Pacific ocean while the world spins too fast underneath it for it to catch up, by the piles of dinosaur bones cleared from the construction site of the Parthenon.

I read about suffering, too, about the sorts of things no one wants to know about. Hate. Violence. Cruelty. Loaded guns used as instruments of rape on tiny baby girls in the Congo (and sometimes discharged, with catastrophic results). Sick women left outside at night, as food for the dogs. Horrible things. Unspeakable things. Humbling things. I sit there in the warm water with my hair twisted up on top of my head and 1z0-932 exam dumps book in my hands and I feel so lucky that it makes itself into some sort of fierce, unarticulated prayer.

I drop possessions off at Goodwill by the carload. I roll up rugs, I toss out pillows. I give away dinner plates, crock pots, picture frames. I’m getting lighter, so light that I could almost step off a windowsill and disappear, like in Peter Pan. What I keep is dear to me, just a few pounds here and there of treasure.

But if I should lose that, too, it will be all right. Something else will come, and I’m done carrying whatever doesn’t want to be mine. None of it matters; almost nothing matters. I would have expected such a realization to be terrifying, not freeing, but it turns out I didn’t know anything. I’m trying to remember to laugh about the fact that I never will.

I’m happy, and I am grateful for that, but that’s not why I’m writing this. I’m writing this because sometimes, happiness feels isolating and unfashionable and annoying to other people, and because sometimes, joy can be startlingly lonely, and because I keep hoping that I am wrong when I think that nobody wants to hear about this.

I want you to be happy, too with 810-440 braindumps. And if you are, I want you to be my friend.

Happy Monday! Here, have some metaphors.

When I was a teenager, we used to play the Blanket Game at parties. It goes like this:

1. Throw a blanket over someone.
2. Tell them to take off something they don’t need and hand it over to you.
3. Keep accepting socks, watches, hats, and clothing from them until they take off the predetermined correct item.

Guess what the predetermined item always was. If you aren’t sure, here’s a little hint:


But through dozens of rounds over those years, no one ever got it right away. In fact, they were usually practically naked by the time they figured it out, at which point we would have to hastily stop them from flinging off the blanket in their sudden fit of inspiration. (If you were looking for a reason to feel concerned for all of humanity today … well, you’re welcome.) And it’s amusing, of course, but it also gives me pause to think about it now, because my God, exactly how stupid are we? And what else are we missing?

Lately, I’ve been trying to design my life. It’s an odd idea, designing your life, and I’m the first to admit that the concept represents a level of luxury that not everyone gets to enjoy. It’s not that I’m so wealthy, mind you. It’s more like I’m so … blank. So much of my existence has been wiped away that I might as well rebuild consciously, the way you might alter the floorplan of your house once it’s been sucked up by a tornado and thus needs to be redone anyhow. Opportunity is the good cop to loss’s bad cop, is it not?

I mean, let’s review:
1. I have no children, nor do I want any.
2. I have no desire to live with anyone, nor do I expect dating to represent much of an obligation in my life.
3. I have a decent income.
4. I am not required to occupy a certain geographical area.
5. I have few monthly expenses, seeing as I own practically nothing.

I’d say that’s about as close to a blank page as anyone can get at 29, yeah?

I want to live deliberately. I don’t want to walk around like an idiot with a blanket over my head, leaving a trail of socks and panties and mumbling to myself in befuddlement. I want a premeditated product, not an absentminded set of circumstances. I don’t mean to endorse an obsession with perfection; I’m not trying to eradicate every problem ever. Believe me, I’m a hot mess wearing an inside-out and wrinkled T-shirt on my best days, and I’m okay with that. It’s more like … okay, let me use another analogy.

Have you ever gone snorkeling in the ocean? I did, once, with my best friend Sam, in the absurdly beautiful Hanauma Bay. This is how it works: you put on your snorkel and mask and these absurd flippers. You stagger across the sand and into the waves, which crash all around you and alternately knock you down onto the beach and suck you out to sea. The struggle is aggravating, to say the least, and should rightfully involve all manner of cursing. You can barely keep your balance, and your legs wear out quickly from the exhausting task of simply keeping you upright in all that chaos. Meanwhile, you are chagrined to know that you look very, very silly. Once you’ve managed to flail your way to a reasonable depth, you kick your feet out behind you, put your face down in the water, and start breathing through the tube, all Darth Vader like.

And just like that, the ocean beneath you becomes the most peaceful entity in the world. Waves lift you, but you’re a part of them; you transmit their undulation harmoniously and without exertion, without feeling a thing. The salt makes flotation nearly effortless, almost drowsy. And all around you is a gorgeous, brilliant world that you couldn’t see a mere thirty seconds ago, a world that you had known only as an abstract rumor and not as your immediate, breath-stopping reality. This is perfect. This is a dream.

And guess what? It’s the same ocean either way. All that had changed was my approach.

Crazily enough, the blissful version was actually less work than the obnoxious crashy sinus-burning version. In snorkeling, this relative ease makes perfect sense. In real life, it seems counterintuitive somehow. Life can’t be easier and better … right? Is it possible that sometimes, I can save myself a hell of a lot of grief by befriending my own laziness and incorporating it into my overall paradigm? Is it possible that I am actually decreasing the quality of my life by working so hard at it?

As Anne Lamont noted in Bird by Bird, “the Gulf Stream will flow through a straw, provided the straw is aligned to the Gulf Stream, and not at cross purposes with it.” It seems to me that since I really have nothing better to do, and I am currently in my superhero phase, I might as well become more aerodynamic.

I’m still working on the answers. (I hope you don’t expect anything earth-shattering, because frankly, one of the biggest revelations involved … um, hampers.) But even if I weren’t in such a prime position to take a long, hard look at what I do, why I do it, and whether it’s really for the best, I would consider this meditation a worthwhile effort; after all, being me is what I do for a living.

While I’m finding answers, you can try it too, if you like. For one thing, you stand a good chance of casting off something you never needed, but cloaked yourself in without a thought. More importantly, though, you can explain to everyone that the trip you booked to Hawaii is for research.

Dating realization #4,819: I am a terrible person.

Should you ever become misinformed and start perceiving yourself as a kind-hearted individual who feels that all human beings have inherent worth, rest assured that you can always correct this delusion simply by doing some dating.

The unfortunate truth, as you will surely discover, is that you secretly think you are better than almost everyone, and that you are so convinced of your own amazingness that you will probably be forced to die alone, wearing a smug and superior expression that will hopefully remain more or less intact despite spending the days subsequent to your expiration alone with your hungry, unscrupulous cats.

Thankfully, they have an autofeeder that will continue to dispense their meals three times a day until the batteries run out or until you are discovered by your landlord, the latter of which is extremely likely to come first.

You are no one’s fool.

The other good news is that in today’s world, you can just parlay your newfound sweeping disdain for your fellow men into some sort of feminine-empowerment riff by pretending that this simply means you have standards.

Not automatic and withering scorn for anything with a penis! Standards!

Is it possible to be humbled by the realization that you think you are better than everyone else? Only someone with my neurotic chops could be capable of feeling insecure about my arrogance. Lucky for me, I have a black belt in both paradoxical and circular thought, so throughout the dating process, I’ve managed to simultaneously become both increasingly chagrined and increasingly self-confident.

Something tells me the Dalai Lama would not be very impressed with any of this. He would also not be very impressed with this list I’m about to write.

I’m sorry, Dalai Lama. I really am. It’s been deeply demoralizing to fully grasp my own eminence.


1. You are greedy.
I once asked a guy to coffee only to be told that he had “been hoping for something more serious.” I have never been able to get over this. I still chuckle over it fondly, shaking my head at the endearing foibles of mankind as I sit around alone in my sweatpants, covered in cat hair. Hoping! For something more serious! Listen, if I ask you out, and you are interested in me, the only decently strategic response is to accept with enthusiasm and then act as if the chai latte you’re drinking is the most transcendent mixture of syrup and hot milk to have ever warmed your gullet. Duh. But you blew it, so now I’m just going to have to drink tea alone in my underwear while watching the cats fight.

Pushiness is not sexy, and I have not been sitting around just waiting for an opportunity to be useful to someone like you. Take what you’re offered, emotionally and sexually, like a good sport, and there’s probably more where that came from. Scowl and express your disappointment that the person you like isn’t acting exactly as you desired or expected, and you seem entitled. Among other adjectives.

2. You have it backward.
Most men seem to be under the mistaken impression that I am concerned about whether they think I am awesome. I can’t really blame them for this, because some of them are operating on old data they gathered in high school, when girls were insecure messes so desperate for validation that they probably would have gone to the prom with a middle-aged gangland pimp if it meant that someone would ring their doorbell at six and tell them they were pretty.

Wake up and smell the dried corsages, boys: that was a pretty long time ago. These days, women, or at least any women you should want to date, already like themselves just fine, so they aren’t bound to fall all over themselves with excitement when you offer them some lukewarm and slightly condescending compliment, such as, “Hey, you’re kind of smart.”

Well, regardless of whether that’s true, I’m guessing we’re too smart for YOU, if that’s the best you could come up with.

See? Withering scorn, like I said. I am so sorry.

At any rate, let me enlighten you: If you are the instigator, if you are the one doing the pursuing, they aren’t worried about what you think of them. They are worried about what they think of YOU, this near-stranger who has stepped onto their radar and is now blocking their path to the vending machine. So don’t be surprised if we don’t melt into your arms the moment you flash us a dimple and ask us out as if you’re doing us a giant favor. Uh, who are you, again? And why do you merit the application of a flat-iron and the dragging out of the decent panties?

It’s incredible how often men expect me to feel excited that a guy, ANY guy, wants to have dinner with me, whether I know anything about him or not. Not only was I doing just fine without you, but you are standing between me and my Twix, and if you knew me better, you would realize the extent to which your life was in danger based on that fact alone. So the next time you offer me a compliment, try to sound sincere, not condescending. Better yet, do or say something interesting enough that I’M now the impressed one. Now that will get my attention.

Otherwise, I’ve got a hot date with a book and a Snuggie tonight, because that’s how elite humans spend their time.

3. You don’t know how to wait your turn.
If there is one single, crucial dating concept that single men and women everywhere need to grasp, it’s this: WAIT YOUR TURN. The failure to apply this simple rule in dating is staggeringly universal. If you are still single after years and years of sighting that spark of interest in someone’s eyes, only to wind up baffled and empty-inboxed, it’s probably because you don’t wait your turn.

They tried to teach you this in preschool, but you didn’t listen. Why wait for someone to text you back when you can text them forty times instead? Why e-mail once when you can e-mail four times: once to say you had a great time and to ask them out again, once to make sure they got the last one, once to apologize for the first two and promise that you aren’t really a stalker, and a fourth time begging for another chance long after the object of your affection has fled the country and joined the witness-protection program?

Some people try to be clever about it, by e-mailing and then texting and then posting on Facebook, because these are DIFFERENT MEDIUMS and that means that they really only technically contacted you once on each medium.

I hope this absurd logic cheers them in the dead of night as they struggle to drift off to sleep, cold and alone, clutching their phones in their hands in hopes of that return message that will never come–a realization they will only make after several false alarms in which they think that maybe they have an exciting and romantic e-mail but it turns out to just be something from

Listen, you can’t charm your way out of it. You can’t joke your way around it. You can’t make up ridiculous excuses about how you would normally never e-mail a second time, but you just happened to find a stray button in the parking lot of the restaurant on your way to your car, and you thought it might be from her sweater.

You are being impatient and disrespectful. You are communicating that you want dating to happen on your schedule, that you have no impulse control, and that you do not grasp the basic tenets of give-and-take that are so key to a relationship.

The privilege of setting the pace of this interaction is not yours alone, so don’t claim it as such. The TWO of you set the pace, and too bad for you if you don’t find it quick enough for your liking.

Sometimes, they aren’t going to respond, even if you do it right and just send that one, disciplined, not-too-desperate-or-infatuated e-mail. But if they didn’t answer one e-mail, are they really going to answer five? And is the annihilation of your pride worth the slim chance that they will?

I certainly won’t. I’ll be too busy dancing by myself in my living room to really terrible Top 40 music while fashioning guitars out of my helpless pets. If you were wondering how the better half lives … well, now you know.

The Boyfriend Test

1. Do you like animals?

a) Like animals? I LOVE animals!

b) I’m an asshole.


2. Do you support yourself?

a) I like to think of myself as a professional live-with-my-mom-er. The pay sucks, but the fringe benefits include meatloaf and also never having to take any responsibility for myself ever.

b) Yes. Duh. I’m an adult.

c) I will be happy to support myself just as soon as I find a way to magically make work not suck. (This is not to say I’m not industrious–I have nine graduate degrees! So far!)

d) I do support myself, but it’s terrible. Like, we’re talking “coal mines” terrible, except more memos and less dying of black lung. My job is like being stuffed into an iron maiden that has been doused in lemon juice and then salted for maximum sting, and then having the door slammed on me again and again and again and again. The only silver lining to any of this is that it makes for absolutely fascinating dinner conversation. You’re welcome.


3. What are your flaws?

a) The only flaw I can think of is that I am sometimes followed around my bathroom by a man who looks like me and mimics my every behavior. He even brushes his teeth at the same time that I do. It’s really weird. Anyway, other than that, I guess I hadn’t really given my flaws much thought before.

b) My biggest flaw is that I suffer from an all-consuming fetish for crazy cat ladies.

c) My main flaw is that I am very sensitive about my flaws, okay? Are you happy now?

d) My parole officer says it doesn’t count as a flaw anymore if you’re already paid your debt to society.


4. I’m extremely absentminded and forgetful. Can you cope with that?

a) That incident where you forgot something is already forgotten by me in turn, on account of you being so damned brilliant. Not to mention pretty. Let’s make out.

b) Not only can I cope with that, but I am full of helpful and very earnest suggestions. For instance, did you know that you could hang your keys on a hook? Or use a day planner to schedule your daily activities? Or, I know! I will just cheerfully supervise to make sure you don’t screw up. Does your pained expression mean that you are uncomfortably turned on right now? I suppose that patronization IS sexy, now that I stop and think about it. C’mere, you.

c) I can’t answer this question because I’m too busy seething with resentment about the fact that we are twenty minutes late to dinner because you managed to lose your left shoe while traversing the seven feet between your front door and the car–even though you were wearing it at the time. I mean what the FUCK.


5. What are your feelings on children?

a) I should have named my twin girls Lub and Dup, because when you have kids, your heart really does walk around outside of your body. I never knew love until I had those children. Nor did I do anything else of significance that I can remember.

b) I enjoy other people’s children … sort of. In theory. When we aren’t on an airplane. Or in the grocery store. Or on vacation. Or trying to accomplish anything. Actually, if that kid over there says “Mom? Mom? Mom? Mom?” one more time and receives no answer, I will pay you fifty dollars to give me a salad-tong vasectomy right here in this restaurant.

c) I owe the world my children; it would be downright cruel to deny humanity my genetic material. What kind of lazy, selfish slacker doesn’t reproduce?

d) I rarely even think about children unless I actually trip over one when I’m sprinting toward the ice-cream truck. Bomb Pops are the best.


6. How would you describe your political stance?

a) Coincidentally enough, I am single in the first place because the homosexual agenda destroyed my American family in particular.

b) I’m actually very well informed in politics and I know exactly what everyone in Washington is doing wrong. I’d be happy to outline all of it for you just as soon as I’ve finished telling you how terrible my job is. You aren’t in a hurry to get home or anything, are you?

c) I wish we would nuke almost everyone else in the world and then bring back the electric chair in case there are any survivors.

d) I find it baffling that both the rights of the individual and the will of the majority are cited as the logical basis of decisionmaking in our government, which doesn’t actually make that much sense, as the two become mutually exclusive quite frequently. For the most part it hurts my head, but I generally don’t feel the need to be the boss of everyone and wouldn’t have voted in favor of Prop 8, if that’s what you’re asking.


7. Is it important to you that we live together/get married?

a) This conversation is already hurting my feelings.

b) Yes, desperately important and all I have ever wanted, but the fact that you are the first girl I’ve met who doesn’t want me to buy her a diamond actually fuels my infatuation with you and is, in fact, the only reason I’ve kept you around this long. Whatever you do, don’t give in, no matter how much I beg. Speaking of which … can we move in together yet? God it’s so hot when you break my heart like this.

c) Not really, no.


8. Are you happy?

a) No, but I can tell from your whimsical manner and joie de vivre that you could help me get there by taking me by the hand and leading me on a journey of self-discovery that will ultimately reveal the magic of the world around me, just like Natalie Portman in Garden State. Good grief, it’s about TIME that sort of thing happened in real life.

b) We all have our days, but most of the time, yes, I am.

c) Yes, but then again, I’m on a lot of drugs. No … like … a lot of drugs.

d) No … but in my defense, I am cursed. Judging from a wealth of empirical evidence, my fate is to wade through an endless stream of petty inconveniences designed specifically to obliterate any chance I might have had at experiencing joy or contentment. My existence is one continuous Nerf dart to the face. Do not get me started on papercuts.


9. Has life humbled you yet?

a) Of course life has humbled me. Nobody does humble like I do humble. I’m probably the humblest person you’re ever going to meet. Just the other day, I was probably more aware of my flaws and my insignificance in the scheme of things than anyone else. I make a point of winning at humble because otherwise someone might get confused and mistake me for a raging egomaniac.

b) Is this hearty burst of rueful laughter enough of an answer for you?

c) No, but that makes sense when you take into account that I am really, really special. Would my mom have spent so much time cutting all the crusts off my sandwiches if I weren’t? EXACTLY. Anyway, don’t take my word for it–the quality of the novel I’m writing will speak for itself. It’s about an underappreciated protagonist whose above-average attributes are finally recognized and validated with fame and fortune.


10. Hmm … you actually seem pretty awesome so far. Uh oh … are you crazy?

a) Shhhh. They can hear you … they can ALWAYS hear you.

b) I’m crazy for you, baby–like the Madonna song, if the Madonna song had been about stalking. Are you even getting these answers? I’d better resend them fourteen times just in case your comment form was on the fritz or your computer screen had been smashed in a jealous rage.

c) Yes, but as soon as I get rich, I’ll just be “eccentric.” The good news is, I can still be “charming” in the meantime.

d) No … but I’m kind of boring, it turns out. Whoops.

1-3: Don’t date anyone.
4-6: Don’t date me or my friends.
7-9: Don’t date me.
10: You’re such a liar.