Skip to content

Category Archives: Soapbox

Soapbox

Dating realization #4,819: I am a terrible person.

Should you ever become misinformed and start perceiving yourself as a kind-hearted individual who feels that all human beings have inherent worth, rest assured that you can always correct this delusion simply by doing some dating. The unfortunate truth, as you will surely discover, is that you secretly think you are better than almost everyone, […]

The Boyfriend Test

1. Do you like animals? a) Like animals? I LOVE animals! b) I’m an asshole. *** 2. Do you support yourself? a) I like to think of myself as a professional live-with-my-mom-er. The pay sucks, but the fringe benefits include meatloaf and also never having to take any responsibility for myself ever. b) Yes. Duh. […]

My Cinematic Year, Part 6: The romantic epiphany.

Let’s recap: online dating made me miserable. If I logged on to slog through my messages, that only made things worse—the “Now Online!” flag on my profile would send another deluge of messages from every godforsaken corner of humanity, including some along the rather creepy lines of I KNOW YOU’RE THERE. I didn’t feel excited […]

My Cinematic Year, Part 5: Confessions of a Manic Pixie Dream Girl

Just a few weeks after announcing my availability to the world on OKCupid, I declared the endeavor a complete disaster and deactivated my account. What went wrong? Let’s review! THEY DIDN’T INTEREST ME This isn’t really anyone’s fault; it’s just the truth. Maybe they were clearly incapable of facing the fact that they were balding, […]

Just don’t call me a tramp. It confuses my mother.

The day I bought that car, I knew what I was going to do with it: I was going to fit my entire life into it, and I was going to drive it a very long way, all by myself. Right after I let my mom talk me into a variety of cheesy poses, of […]

Types of Personal Ads: A Reference Guide

PRETENDING TO BE TOO COOL FOR PERSONAL ADS BUT PROBABLY JUST LAZY I am too amazing and complex to be summed up in paragraphs so I won’t even try. You should similarly recognize the futility of this exercise and just message me, hopefully with considerably more effort than I just exerted. ALMOST COMICALLY INDISTINGUISHABLE FROM […]

The Divorce Tourniquet: First Aid for the Freshly Wounded

I’ve written about divorce — oh, have I! — and a heartbreakingly common message I get in my inbox is something along the lines of, “You don’t know me, but my life is falling apart right now. Thanks for writing about your experiences and making me feel like someday I’m going to be okay.” And […]

How to Win at Arguments

BEGINNER First things first: Criticize the timing of the argument. This clever ploy distracts your opponent by forcing them to focus on something they can do nothing about, instead of the problem they initially complained about. The trusty standby is “Why didn’t you tell me sooner?” or “Why am I just hearing about this now?” […]

The Poverty Perspective, Part 2: I want to be more.

To celebrate my boyfriend’s birthday, I surprised him with boarding passes to a bedroom on a train. Once we had explored our little room and giggled and marveled, I made him wait in the coffin-sized bathroom while I unfurled an entire soiree from my suitcase. I strung white lanterns, draped fancy fabric over the seats, […]

My cinematic year, part 2: The setting.

A few days after my new roller-derby league’s first practice at the rink, I moved into my new apartment, a decrepit studio roosted atop the tiny row of shops on Main Street. My mother had been right: it was exactly the sort of outdated decor I’d find endearing, complete with hideous linoleum. (Floral and geometric? […]