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I’ve been stuck at Stage 2.5 for like … twenty years now.

STAGE ONE

I will be happy when I’m not so cursed. Why does the universe insist on subjecting me to my own individual laws of thermodynamics in which my life is empirically more difficult than everyone else’s? I don’t understand why I had to be born into this particular body, with this particular life, in this particular first-world hell. My existence is rife with misfortune. I’m starting to get another canker sore, for instance. And my shoelace broke. And my brand-new iPhone screen is cracked. Great. Why can’t I just be a blind orphan leper or something?

STAGE TWO

I will be happy when everyone else becomes as enlightened as I have become. Life is a festival of wonders for which we should all be grateful, idiots, so what’s with all the bitching? If the world’s population didn’t amount to a giant conspiracy to drown me in negativity, life would be perfect. People need to stop gouging out my poor defenseless eyes with their unsavory Facebook statuses and snobby Tweets. Why does everyone else have to make my existence so unpleasant when it doesn’t need to be? Also, does it count as genocide if they’re Republicans?

STAGE THREE

I will be happy.

This was written by Jen. Posted on Friday, January 27, 2012, at 1:25 am. Filed under Autotrephination. Bookmark the permalink. Follow comments here with the RSS feed. Post a comment or leave a trackback.

5 Comments

  1. bethany actually wrote:

    Hey, now…some of my favorite people are Republicans!

    I painted your “abracadabra, motherfucker” mug the other day. :-) I’ll send photos when it’s fired.

    Friday, January 27, 2012 at 7:57 am | Permalink
  2. Jen wrote:

    Don’t worry, Bethany, there’s no shortage of people to blame for problems. Choose any group you like: Republicans, Democrats, hipsters, Twilight fans. I guarantee you SOMEONE is mad at them.

    Friday, January 27, 2012 at 8:49 am | Permalink
  3. Sarah wrote:

    Stage 4: I am happy?

    Saturday, January 28, 2012 at 8:05 pm | Permalink
  4. Jen wrote:

    I think Stage 3 is “I am happy,” but it’s still a decision for most people, something that involves choosing to be happy, saying “I will do this.”

    I found it very easy to get over myself at a young age and not dwell on my bad luck or my flaws or anything that would imply I didn’t have the same chance at a good life that anyone else does. But getting over my impatience with other people’s negativity has been much, much harder.

    Sunday, January 29, 2012 at 12:04 am | Permalink
  5. muskrat wrote:

    Doing some volunteer work with the blind orphan lepers from STAGE 1 will help you jump more quickly to STAGE 3.

    Monday, January 30, 2012 at 7:04 pm | Permalink

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