I tend to go on and on, so I bolded the relevant parts for you. You’re welcome.
First, this post is not sponsored at all. I have accepted nothing from anyone and I am just spending my own money. I am not saying that because I expect you to be impressed, but because I’m worried you have become so jaded by the ongoing blight of Internet bribery that you won’t keep reading, and you guys, this is for the POOR PEOPLE so it makes me sad to think that you would miss out on a chance to help the POOR PEOPLE.
And it would be a shame for you to have misjudged me that way, because I am not THAT blogger at all, remember? I’m the tiresomely self-righteous blowhard blogger who takes things like ongoing blights of Internet bribery way too seriously, as if your blog and the New York Times are the exact same thing. Get it straight.
BUT ANYWAY. Let’s help some poor people!
Kiva is a site that allows you to alleviate poverty by making $25 loans to a small business owner in a process known as microlending. You might be helping a young woman start a small store in Ecuador or a group of seamstresses who sell aprons at the local market, but no matter what, one thing is undeniable: your money goes a long way. The odds are even good that you will get it back, at which point you can gloat over the fact that you managed to do a good deed for nothing and cash out or do it all over again.
Anyway, I was about to make a $50 set of loans when my checkout screen informed me that Kiva also does gift certificates. At which point I realized that it might be even more productive to let YOU make my loans for me. Then you get to feel good along with me (and along with some poor people too, I guess, but sometimes I forget about them when I’m busy reveling in my own selflessness), Kiva would get some publicity, and when you get your $50 back, you might be inspired to do the same thing on your blog, all at no additional cost to me.
And then there would be no more poor people ever and it would be traced back to this very post and I would finally manage to one-up Gandhi and win the Nobel Peace Prize. And then Gandhi would be all, well, it’s not like I was doing it for the prize anyway, but he would kind of mutter it while like sort of picking at the hem of his robe, and I would tell all my do-gooding friends about it later at the soup kitchen and we would roll our eyes like, hey Gandhi, jealous much?
So basically, the offer I’m making you right now is that if you leave a comment, you will be entered to win an immediate good deed and an eventual $50 in your pocket. Let me repeat the highlights of this amazing deal: you do practically nothing, you get money, and then you go to heaven, in that order, and all you have to do in exchange is endure your blistering envy when I am lauded as Jen the Trephinist, Single-Handed Squelcher of Human Suffering.
To enter, just leave a comment. Any comment will do, but if you need a prompt, you might share an inspiring quote or tell a knock-knock joke. If something funny has happened to you recently, that’s also an option. Just write what you feel, okay? The web form is your oyster!
Or, if you felt totally insulted by the phrase “blight of Internet bribery” because you choose to blog in exchange for free products, which I would like to hastily acknowledge is entirely your right (and have you been reviewing a lot of free hair products lately? If so, allow me to note that I have no doubt they are every bit as amazing as you purport, because you look gorgeous), you can just say mean things about how my pores might be smaller if I got off my high horse and accepted some moisturizer once in a while. Maybe you will be the one to win and I will have to give you $50 for insulting me! Think of how sweet your revenge would be then.
Either way, good luck! I like you.
Edited to add: This contest is closed. The winner is Ms. V. Yay!
48 Comments
Hi! So I was going to use this comment to ask what a trephine is, but then I looked it up first to see if it’s even a real word. Now I know what it is and I’m wondering: why is it the word you used for your blog name?
How’s that for a comment?
I like you, too!
Ooh, or people could ask me questions! That’s fun too!
A trephine, as you seem to have already discovered, is a utensil used to bore holes in heads in order to let the demons out. The name of my blog came about when I told a friend I was considering starting another blog, even though I needed a blog like I needed a hole in the head. As soon as I said it, I thought, “You know what … I kind of DO need a blog like I need a hole in the head. It lets everything out!”
Thus, I consider this site my opportunity to exorcise a few demons of my own and just kind of relieve the pressure in my skull a little. It is my trephine. Hopefully that makes sense!
Besides, really, any URL that isn’t already taken is good fodder these days. My next blog will probably have to be called Little Purple Men Who Own Uggs.com just because it was all that was left.
(Robin, I am so excited for you. If no one else comments, you are totally going to win!)
I dunno, man – I man be alone in this, but I’m kind of of the mind that anyone who writes for an audience might want to think about their own personal journalistic standards. This from the person who used “of of” in the previous sentence, I know! But anywho: remember when all the bloggers were “reviewing” “free” 32AndMe DNA tests? Treating something pretty deadly serious (f’rinstance: my sister took the test – with her own cash – and I learned that our family has the BRCA1 mutation) as cheap bloggy fodder? I wasn’t too big of a fan of that. Part of the reason why I quit writing record reviews (besides being incorrigibly lazy and being unable to think of any more synonyms for ’sounds like it was recorded in a half-full Dumpster’) was my discomfort with having to review freebie promos.
Knock knock!
When did I get so serious and crabby-pantsy?! Damn! Okay, so, you asked for a good insult… one of the ancient partners at work sometimes refers to various groups’ “incompetent fuckwittery”. It sounds even cooler coming from a ninety year-old man in a bowtie.
Also, Jul: how nerdy am I that I am taking INORDINATE delight in your 32andMe typo? Because that would mean SIXTY FOUR CHROMOSOMES! Ha! That would be crazy! I’ll bet they have someone with 64 chromosomes in the Mutter Museum…
In 39 days this might be funny:
Knock Knock
Who’s There?
Ether.
Ether Who?
Ether Bunny is here.
Followed by:
Ana.
Ana Who?
Ana nother Ether Bunny is here
and
Stilla.
Stilla Who?
Stilla nother Ether Bunny is here.
Well – it was funny when I was six. And interestingly I typed “Hare” for “Here” once. Okay – I’m ready to win now.
What if I don’t believe in heaven? That doesn’t disqualify me does it?
Alexa: (leans forward in delight) WHO’S THERE?
I think the Nobel Peace Prize is totally within your grasp. This is such a good idea.
Also, I loved your meme on Monday. Loved it. Especially the roll of the genetic dice – brilliant!
Knock knock
- Who’s there?
Madame.
- Madame who?
Open up! Madame foots caught in the door!
I loved it at 6 and still love it now.
Hmms, a good question, question. My kingdom for a question. Here we go – whats on your bedside table *rightnow.
I don’t have a bedside table, but I have two bedside … pillars, I guess? On one of them is Paige the Kindle and some mail. On the other is Veganomicon (a vegan cookbook), a journal I scribble random crap in when I’m on the phone, and a computer mouse I just sort of set there after I bought a wireless keyboard/mouse set two days ago, once I realized its scroll wheel was totally random in its scrolling increments (unacceptable, when you are a manuscript editor!). An inch could equal an inch! Or three pages! This mouse will add excitement to your life.
Sadly, I bought the set in the first place because the mouse from the old set had stopped working. But I like the delicious quietness of this keyboard so much that I have decided my new hobby is wasting money. What can you do.
Personally, I’m rather disappointed that the blight of Internet bribery hasn’t yet made it to the door of my on-line abode. When is it my turn to sellout?
Most (but not terribly) amusing thing to happen to me recently: While walking to a Superbowl party in DC, I hit a patch of ice on what had appeared to be a clear bit of sidewalk. Somehow, I maintained my balance and proceeded to skate across the sidewalk for about 5 feet, at which point I decided to sit down rather than tempt fate. According to my friends, I managed to take a seat on the sidewalk in one rather graceful motion, all while cradling the twelve-pack of beer I was carrying. A few random passersby clapped for me and one shouted “You saved the beer!!”
Awesome idea. I don’t know any good knock-knock jokes, but here’s something dumb I did this morning! On my way to work, I had to stop for gas, and ever since I blogged about doughnuts a few weeks back, I’ve had sugary goodness on the brain. BUT. I’ve been eating horribly lately, so it seemed that buying a gas station doughnut of questionable quality was a poor choice. Solution: Bought doughnut, tore it in half, and threw half in the trash on the way out. Devoured other half before I made it to the first stoplight. Patted self on back for “self-control.”
Trephine! You’re amazing. (Pretend we’re friends and I just call you “Trephine”. It’ll be our inside joke. I mean, I know your name is Jen. But. Yeah. Anyway.) This is a GREAT idea. Super great. Here’s hoping you get into heaven, no self-flagellation involved.
I just adopted a cat from the humane society. She’s awesome and great and goes by either “Charlotte”, “Kitty”, or “The Great Catsby”. That’s my only exciting story right now.
I have to say, the suspense from Alexa is sort of killing me.
Also, The Great Catsby is an awesome name for a cat. Nicknames are cool too, though. I call Nito “Kittypants” most of the time. Sometimes I even ask him whether he is wearing his kittypants. The answer is always yes because kittypants are the default attire of cats.
I don’t have a knock knock joke but I just heard how you can scare bees.
Boobees!
I plan on teaching a lot of children that one. Including my own.
Kiva is a great idea, I’ve never heard of this before.
Alexa – The Mutter Museum doesn’t have a 64-chromosome person. The Soap Lady is a big draw, but I’m more partial to the Stone Man.
What beverage does Bruce Lee order at a restaurant?
WAAAAAAATAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
question!
Whatever happened with the desire to relocate? Have you decided against, have you chosen a fair city? Have you decided that it’s none of our damn business, even though I am so very nosy?
(p.s. I really like this idea, and had read about Kiva a while back and promptly allowed it to fall right out of my brain, so thanks for putting it back in there)
Interesting. I used to have bedside pillars, but one was tragically destroyed by my last roommate’s Jeep Cherokee. So now I have a pillar next to my door for keys and glasses.
Also I realized I could store hella more books with SHELVES. So I have bedside shelves instead of tables.
Boo at the mouse that is finiky. I have a wireless mouse I bought to match my new laptop (green!)… I have yet to take it out of the box. I too enjoy wasting money.
Also – please submit your review of the Kindle at some point. I desperately want an e-reader and cannot decide who to throw my money at.
Elizabeth: I’m still working on the relocation aspect, and it’s a little … complicated. I’m not saying that to be secretive–the details are just really boring and convoluted. But I have a trip to Portland planned in May, during which I will explore the possibilities there. I may actually go sooner, if I wind up having the time.
Audrey: I have shelves too. See!
http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2640/3813955206_0037eea052.jpg
I love the Kindle and keep meaning to post about it. As for which to get, I’d say it’s not that important as long as you don’t get a backlit screen. I LOVE the e-ink. So much nicer to read on. I’m very happy with the Kindle and certainly recommend it! (My friends are laughing right now, because seriously, that is the understatement of the year. I never shut up about how it’s changed my life.)
Feeling kind of all on my own out here by putting a quote down, but it’s on my mind. It’s something George Orwell said about us. “The fact to which we have to cling, as to a life-belt, is that it is possible to be a normal decent person and yet to be fully alive.”
Jen:
Nobody important.
love the title of your last blog post!!
This works better down my local after a couple of pints, but here goes…
Knock Knock!
Who’s There?
Interrupting Cow.
Interrupting Cow W….
MOOOOOOOOO!
Are we still eligible if we don’t believe in heaven? If not, I could lie about it.
Don’t worry, heaven is my next project. You don’t have to believe in it … YET.
(I don’t actually believe in it myself.)
I’m only commenting so we can shove it in Gandhi’s face later. Take that, GUY.
Tell us more about Nito’s daily routine.
I just gave away two non-Kindle e-readers from my site AND I donated to Kiva, so I feel I deserve both your derision and your approval. Win-win!
i loveee your bedroom pic! so cute! so can you tell me how to pronounce your blogs name?
We like you too.
kiva.org is one of the charities that I consistently support. As a financially challenged American (my PC way of saying poor), kiva can do so much with so little, and an initial donation can be paid back, given to someone else, and becomes practically alive with pure goodness.
Jessica: I think we all know that Nito’s daily routine is sleeping.
Mrs. Kennedy: Okay, not only did you give away something awesome that I really believe in, which like jams my ethical circuits completely, which causes me to fall off my high horse and lie facedown in the mud while making distressed grindey-gear noises, but you also had a baby in a bathroom like a freaking badass while I sat there and gaped at my screen all those years ago. And then called all my friends to see if any of them were available to come hold me.
I think what I’m getting at is that you are Mrs. Kennedy and you do whatever the fuck you want.
Mary Jo: “trephine” is pronounced like this: “TREE-fine.” I suffer from a reader’s vocabulary, which means I really don’t know how to say anything. So when I’m not sure, I go to Webster.com and use their little audio pronunciation feature. Just click the little speaker next to the word! I was delighted to discover that, so hopefully it helps you too, if you are the sort of person who gets as curious as I do about how to say things.
Love it! I’m not a commenting type usually, couldn’t resist this!
Wow, I’ve totally been pronouncing “trephine” wrong in my head. I totally get reader’s vocabulary too. I pronounced “rhododendron” wrong for YEARS.
So here’s an anecdote. I’m at yoga last night, waiting for class to begin, sitting on my mat. I realize, “Oh, I need to pull my hair back; I think there’s a band in my bag.” So I go over to the side of the room where 40 people are waiting for class to start and then I have to wonder if I can extract the little hairband without the condoms popping out of my gym bag and permanently branding me as a slut in front of all those people. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
We named our kitty Smarty, so he is often Kitty Smartypants or Smarty Kittypants or some such thing. Our kitties sure have lots in common!
Also, your bedroom (from the linked picture) is GORGEOUS!
Damn! I have been pronouncing the trephine wrong too in my head!!! I was saying it “tref fine” which I think is the way it REALLY should be said. What does Webster know anyway, and how did they get the power to decide on pronunciation for everyone else?
I’m not trying to enter again.
Just wanted to let you know that I passed on a Beautiful Blog Award to you last night. Details are on my site if you feel compelled to pass it on to some other fabulous bloggers!
Huh, I’ve been pronouncing trephine wrong, too. However, that’s not as bad as my good friend who made it to 24 years of age before learning “ascertain” is not pronounced like “certain.”
My cat’s name is Geoffrey, but he often goes by El Jefe. And I just realized that my other cat has no nicknames at all! I guess he’s just too dignified for a nickname? Or his given name of Optimus Prime is just too awesome?
Well, I have liked YOU for a long time, was so happy when you started blogging again, and you have (nearly) inspired me to start again after I got WAY disillusioned and ugh about the whole blogging scene.
You rock, so, um. Yep. That’s my comment
I have nothing clever to share right now, as it is a Saturday and I am up to my elbows in housecleaning activities. Also blog-reading. However, I will say BRAVO to you for the Kiva deal and if you haven’t, you might wanna check out “Half the Sky” which is an amazing book about issues that affect women around the world (that sounds revolting to my ears, but by that I mean sex-trafficking, reproductive health, general subjugation of women and what is being done about it, and how encouraging women in poor countries may the best hope our world has for its own salvation.)
Have a great weekend!
Tara
ps. still pushing Houston as a great relocation city, hurricanes aside.
Hey, is your old blog still accessible? I missed it, and would love to go back & catch up on more of your writing if it’s still online.
Also, something funny did happen to me this morning. I took a newly bought curtain to a tailor/drycleaner to get it cut in half and hemmed because the store only had 1 left & it was my dream curtain. The owner of the establishment told me he didn’t want to touch that job “with a 10 foot pole,” because it was far too complex, and would probably present many problems. I attempted to point out that I was just asking for 1 straight line to be cut through the curtain, lengthwise, and 2 hems sewn in. He still seemed to feel it was far too complex and problematic. Is that funny, or just weird? I chose to laugh, mainly b/c I couldn’t come up with a better alternative.
I like you, too.
(Does that count? I hope so, because it’s true.)
Katy: My old blog is no longer online. I believe I have all of it SOMEWHERE but reviving it in a manner that keeps the alker-stay away would be really time-consuming.
I keep thinking I might do an Old Post Wednesday feature or something and just do my favorite ones, because people have been asking about them. We’ll see whether I actually manage to get around to that, however. Getting around to things is not really my forte.
Oooo, loved the photo of your bedroom. Seeing it makes me CERTAIN that while I don’t live in an all white-or-beige wall dwelling, I’ll never rock it like some people (you!) do!
Can’t think of any good knock knock jokes, but here’s one I like:
what did the skeleton say to the bartender?
“gimme a beer and a mop!”
I’ve donated to Kiva before–It’s an AMAZING way to help people help themselves, the best kind of charity.
Not quite sure I followed how this would help me get into heaven (my fault, I’m bleary today), but if I won the $50, I’d donate it to them and mention them in my newsletter…Maybe that’s what you were implying? Or not. Like I said I’m bleary, having a Monday kind of day.
Glad I found your blog (from Moose)!
TREE-FINE? For real? As in knock, knock, who’s there, Tree, Tree who, Tree-fine?
I pronounce everything incorrectly. I should start a website called incorrectiblyspoken. Sigh.
Yeah, this “tree-fine” business has got to go. Tray-FEEN? Now that I can handle.
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