Comments on: Look who’s coming to dinner.

By: Carly

Carly — Fri, 18 Dec 2009 04:07:52 +0000

I love love love what you said about how being friends with an ex, real friends, makes you a loving person. I haven’t let my last two ex-loves leave my life, they’re still close friends, and I was lucky enough to find a guy that isn’t threatened by that. But all along I’ve thought “I’m so weird, why do I work so hard to find new niches for these people in my life?” Of course! Because I love them.

By: Librarian Girl

Librarian Girl — Thu, 17 Dec 2009 18:17:08 +0000

I’ve never been divorced, but I am friends with all of my exes. (That makes me sound like I have had reams of lovers like Elizabeth Taylor or Zsa Zsa Gabor or something, but that is actually quite ok with me even if it’s not exactly true). I always wonder how people AREN’T friends, unless the ex happens to be a true a-hole. But that does seem to be more the exception than the rule- and I’m not sure why that is. I’m all for keeping good people in proximity to me!

By: Kerri Anne

Kerri Anne — Thu, 17 Dec 2009 07:17:12 +0000

Here’s to families, reinvented.

By: irretrievably broken

irretrievably broken — Thu, 17 Dec 2009 02:37:43 +0000

Amen to this. I believe Constance Ahrons (who wrote The Good Divorce) noted that most people regard friendly contact between exes as aberrant at best, incestuous at worst. It’s a taboo begging to be shattered.

Being nice to the ex-relatives is also key. In your particular case, when you don’t even have the “But it’s best for the CHILDREN!” card to play (it’s really the only thing that shuts people up) your behavior is doubly laudable. As is your ex-husbands, and his relations, and your relations, and so on, and so forth.

By: Elizabeth

Elizabeth — Thu, 17 Dec 2009 01:13:09 +0000

I might have you beat! As it turns out my ex is gay. My mother invited him and his boyfriend to Thanksgiving the year we separated. While I brought my new boyfriend. Before we were even divorced.

We all get along really well and although that was 7 years ago, my ex and I continue to be great friends!

It takes so much energy to hate and be bitter! I applaud you!

By: Jeff Lee

Jeff Lee — Wed, 16 Dec 2009 15:40:59 +0000

Great post. For some reason I think it will all work out just fine. But why does this sound like the perfect premise for a sitcom?

By: Julie

Julie — Wed, 16 Dec 2009 14:31:45 +0000

It’s like you’re reading my mind. I’m going through a divorce right now (we’ve been separated for a while) and people keep telling me that they’ve never seen such a happy, healthy divorce. They don’t always mean that as a compliment. We have a 4-year old daughter, and since we get along and we both wanted to spend the holidays with each other, we all went to Thanksgiving this year with his family and we’ll be spending Christmas with mine, just like every other year. This, despite the fact that we have both seen other people since separating and one of us is currently still seeing someone else. But everything you said about following your heart, and how friendship is NOT the same as marriage, and worrying about Poor Next Guy… wow, spot on. It’s like you’re reading my mind. My two favorite line, at which I completely laughed out loud because they were so relatable: 1. “Also, if you’re ever looking for a surefire way to alienate almost everyone you know, including any potential love interests, might I recommend staying friends with your ex?” and 2. “Wait, is that anti-feminist too? GODDAMMIT. Are you people allergic to strategy, or do you just hate to win?”

By: sam

sam — Tue, 15 Dec 2009 14:43:22 +0000

I had to laugh when you quoted your mom and sister because I can hear EXACTLY how your mom sounded. Hilarious.

By: elizabeth

elizabeth — Tue, 15 Dec 2009 05:27:31 +0000

As others have already pointed out, you’re not so weird. my ex of 7 years is still my best friend. my boyfriend and i just stayed at his place over thanksgiving, and he came to my parents’ house thanksgiving night to visit my family.
i have been lucky enough to find a man who is secure enough in himself and in us to embrace the friendship. my ex? not so much…women be craaaaaaaaaaazy. in the 4 years since we split, he has not found one who can cope with my presence in his life, despite being 500 miles apart. hopefully you and your ex will have better luck!
have fun torturing people at christmas!

By: Ern

Ern — Tue, 15 Dec 2009 00:49:51 +0000

Amen to all of this.

People get so wrapped up in our decisions. Even though my ex and I are not friends, and haven’t even seen each other since the divorce, people still get frustrated with me that I wish him well, that I am not (very) angry with him.

“But don’t you just fly into a rage at the sight of his name? At the very thought of his existence somewhere in the world?”

Um. No. Being angry is not much fun.