Remember what I said about designing my life? Well, I have been very hard at work. Lest you think my last post was the product of a brief manic phase that would soon fizzle into distant memory, I now have a diagram for you.
I think you will agree that nothing says SERIOUS BUSINESS like a high-tech model. I am using this particular model to decide which city I would like to live in next. If you’re wondering why I’m thinking of moving at all, it’s mainly because I am so drunk with power that I’m in the mood to throw a dart at a map and then uproot everything just to celebrate that fact that I am the boss around here and I do whatever I want. In other words, my logic is firmly rooted in reason and maturity.
Are you ready? Merely by pointing your eyeballs at this screen, you can now enjoy an exclusive, hot-off-the-presses, tell-all view of my utopia:
I know what you’re thinking: “Somehow I thought utopia would be … glowier, and with more unicorns.” No, no, you’re right, but certain graphic limitations applied, and glowy unicorns take up a lot of pixels, in addition to how impossible they technically are.
Also, those are not disembodied treetops floating in the sky, but clouds. As Alexa’s trained eye could surely tell, my artistic endeavors incorporate a deliberate stylistic redundancy designed to draw the viewer into confusion as part of the overall emotional experience.
Anyway, let’s take a look at my first priority, which is my career, if you could call anything you can do in your underwear a career. (Wait … that came out wrong.) As a freelance editor, I wake up every morning (and I use the word loosely) with a very simple task in front of me: edit some pages of text—and not even very many, really (about five hours’ worth).
But I am very sorry to say that this task only appears to be simple. One might scoff at this task, until one sits down to do it and then returns to consciousness sixteen hours later, wearing a toga, holding a bubble wand in one hand, and smeared from head to toe with Crisco. Regardless of how one actually found oneself in that position, my point is that one tends to wander a bit off track. One starts this process by trying on everything in one’s closet while lipsynching to the songs on one’s “cheesy” playlist—just for a minute, one thinks, and then one will get right to work, as one should—and before one knows it, it’s 3 AM and one is out drunk somewhere with some pirates and a rugby team. One does not mean for these things to happen, and by “these things” one actually means those unfortunate tagged photos on Facebook.
As you might have ascertained, discipline is very important. This is a sound conclusion, and my only objection to it is that I don’t actually have any. Thus, my first rule is Get Out of the House! (GOOTH!) After additional research, and the frequent casting of dirty looks at anyone who so much sneezed in my vicinity and thus impaired my ability to quickly wrangle a paragraph full of misplaced modifiers, I reached the conclusion that the library totally saves my ass.
The downside of this happy discovery and the necessity of my strict adherence to GOOTH is that I often find myself running home from it in the rapey, rapey darkness. The distance amounts to about a mile, and I cover it in record time, on account of all the orifice-violating and life-taking that might occur if I do not. Yeah, if you were wondering about the identity of the crazy midnight jogger who pounds the sidewalks wearing a reflectorized Miwok and a very wary expression, now you know. (A note on the backpack: I love that thing. I walked into REI and told them I needed to run with a laptop and that I am very ergonomically frail, and without a sideways glance, they suited me up and let me bounce around the store. The result was a love affair between woman and backpack that could easily inspire a fairytale, albeit a really materialistic and boring one.)
One amusing consequence of this arrangement is that I forever dress as if I am working out. I’m a character out of a Wes Anderson movie, or just an eighty-year-old man who just can’t be bothered with real pants anymore. Every time I jog home, I make a mental list of anything embarrassing that will be found in my apartment when I die and reassure myself that the news media loves itself a murdered sweetheart. While picking up the pace through the particularly seedy block, I take great solace in the fact that those people are financially motivated to show the world a universally beloved angel full of potential who was ruthlessly gunned down in her prime, and will thus be eager to omit any lurid details about the truly disturbing state of my kitchen sink. Also, if the subject comes up, please spread the word that I was an avid devotee of both abstinence and that “condom on a tailpipe” prank. “What a contradiction in terms she was,” you should say as fondly and as loudly as possible at my visitation, especially if any of my grandparents are present. “Such a trickster, yet as pure as the freshly fallen snow.”
… Where was I? Oh, yes, the jog. It has occurred to me that perhaps if one is risking extensive bodily harm on a daily basis (roller derby doesn’t count), then perhaps one should fine-tune one’s situation a bit. This is why my diagram reflects a separate 24-hour workspace in my hypothetical quiet concrete apartment building, as a backup measure for when it’s 2 AM and my choices are “coffee shop so noisy that I will be forced to steal a serrated knife from their kitchen so that I can lock myself in the bathroom and pull a double Van Gogh” and “home, the land of cat-petting, magazine-flipping, and zero productivity whatsoever.” A nice (and currently nonexistent) third option would be to take a little elevator ride to a quiet place in my own building, thus removing myself from purry, kneady temptations while remaining safely locked away from any area sex offenders. I used to live in a building with a nice little work area downstairs, when my situation was a bit more … privileged, shall we say, and I got a lot of work done there, so I can vouch for the fact that an elevator ride is a sufficient buffer between me and my prom dress collection.
Also, I like urban neighborhoods that have little grocery stores and shops and restaurants in them, but are not so urban that they lack trees. I enjoy trees. I am rather spoiled in my enjoyment of them, actually, as my current neighborhood is full of nice ones while still offering all of the benefits of city life, along with some stately mansions to boot. My neighborhood is perfect for me, actually, and I would probably decide to live here if I didn’t already and weren’t so in love with the idea of striking out on a new adventure of some sort.
Of nearly equal importance in my utopian scenario is the presence of a good roller derby scene. Roller derby is a lot like church, aside from any obvious inherent differences. It’s a great way to find like-minded individuals, and should you ever move to a new city, it amounts to an instant social scene. I’m interested in playing a more relaxed version of derby at this stage of my life, so the presence of a recreational league is a huge plus. For me, derby is one of the best social filters in existence: I have yet to meet a doormat of a rollergirl; even the more fashionable ones, with their fancy purses and shoes, aren’t afraid to sweat; most of them are either atheist/agnostic or at least willing to fraternize with godless sinners; if they’re moms, they’re the kind of moms who still manage to make time for themselves and maintain their own identities; they would rather go out, have fun, and stay in shape than sit and watch TV; they’re generally very tolerant of individual differences; and so on and so forth. Derby is a downright fantastic way to meet people who are adventurous and active. (Of course, the downside of such a system is that in order to offer these people anything, you must be willing to meet those same criteria. Damn you, interpersonal economics!)
At any rate, without the ability to join a derby league, I would likely just sit at home in my new city while staining it with my lonely tears. Instead, I’ll have a big group of friends who are always eager to invite me out on their capers when I’m in the mood to embarrass myself.
I included the hippies because I’d like to be vegan again, rather than vegetarian. The more hippies reside in any given place, the more likely it is that the grocery stores stock Teese and other beloved vegan staples.
NOT PICTURED:
1. Access to a reasonably large airport;
2. Decent public transportation–bonus points if it goes to the airport;
3. Decently affordable rent, if only because my income is not adjusted based on city of residence, so it seems silly to spend too much;
4. Glowy unicorns.
That’s it, then. Basically, all I need to do now is decide which city best fills my criteria, then pack everything up in a U-Haul and move there after saying goodbye to everyone I know. In other words, the hard part’s over, wouldn’t you agree? If you live in a city you find enjoyable, feel free to woo me with your libraries, your hippies, and your drunkenly smiling sunshine.
26 Comments
Portland. Portland, Portland, PORTLAND. I don’t live there, but it seems perfect. Move from one corner of the country to its mirror opposite. That’s my vote.
Boulder, Co is very lovely. Green, green, green; so much hiking and outdoorsiness, and very hippie-crunchy-friendly. Very close to Denver (major intl airport!). Not sure about apartments with work spaces, but it’s got about a billion darling coffee shops that won’t drive you insane. Very safe, very bike-friendly.
Don’t know why I’m arguing so hard on Boulder’s behalf, considering I don’t live there, but something about it appeals to me. Maybe I should move there? Or you could move to DC. That’s where I live and it’s got all the criteria listed above!
I am currently in a torrid, long-distance love affair with Chicago. Not sure about the hippies though. And maybe you want somewhere less midwesterny.
Also, I am jealous of your mobility. I am also drunk with the power of being able to go wherever I want, but unable to do so for two and a half more years due to the chains leading from my ankles to my current institution of higher learning.
I second the Portland, Oregon vote. And I do live here!
Some perks:
1) Portland loves libraries (and coffee shops) and all sorts of places to hang out slash work when it’s rainy. So you will have a plethora of workspace options.
2) Even the most urban of the neighborhoods are very close to trees.
3) Mass transit is good – not as superb as say, NYC, but then, we have a tiny fraction of the population. You can totally live here without a car, as long as you plan well. And it’s way easy to get to/from the (international!) airport on the light rail system. BONUS POINTS! Lots of people commute by jog/bike (I do!), so your athletic gear lifestyle will really just make you look like a native.
3) Roller derby here is rockin’ – check out the Rose City Rollers website: http://www.rosecityrollers.com/
4) I hear rent is cheap. I mean, I guess it is, but when you’ve lived in Oregon all your life, even Portland rent seems expensive. But compared to other big cities (including Seattle), it’s the cheapest.
5) Lots of hippies. I don’t consider myself a hippie, but when I go visit my brother in Manhattan and I start to twitch at all the recyclable things that get thrown away due to lack of public recycling bin options, I realize I really am pretty granola. Tons of vegan/veggie restaurants and even your run of the mill grocery store will stock lots of vegan and veggie faves. Super easy place to live an animal product free lifestyle.
I love it here. I will likely have to move away soon for medical school, and I get really sad thinking about that.
So you should come and enjoy it instead of me!
Thirding Portland. Went there for our honeymoon, and we keep going back as often as is practical. It’s really a great city.
Brooklyn is great on all fronts besides $$, so my other rec. is Oakland/Berkeley. Areas of Oakland are more gentrified than others, and while I felt comfortable in all the places I lived, I realize I have a more … flexible tolerance for crime than most people.
Berkeley has absolutely everything you listed in spades, though I don’t know what current rents are. Craigslist is def. a good marker for that, though.
Oh, how I miss the Bay Area!! If you do move there, be aware that I will add you to the people through whom I live vicariously. I promise it’s nothing scary, just a wistful sighing that I’ll do every so often.
London. London. London. Greatest city in the world – admittedly, you might not be quite looking to emigrate, but I’m six years into the greatest love affair of my life and can’t reccommend living here highly enough. London makes me happy every single day (and, we have roller derby).
x
I think you should just throw that dart at the map! Every city has neighborhoods with qualities that you asked for. And think of how much fun it will be to make an uneducated decision?
I like the thrill and suspense of your blog right now. It’s like you’re up for grabs for any US city – do the cities even know that? This is exciting!
How are you coming with your own book? I’m no Danger, but I hope you still feel my foot gently shoving you forward with your (most excellent) project.
Everybody seems to love Portland but I love Seattle and San Francisco! Love love love.
Of course, I’m also partial to roller girls and hippies just like you are.
Have you considered Minneapolis? Mid-western yes, but VERY forward thinking. Most people think COLD, which it is, but downtown, it is always a balmy 70 degrees (the buildings are all connected by heated hallways).
Good luck!
CHICAGO. We love everyone here – like NY, only nicer and with less trash on the curbs. Also? excellent roller derby scene, trains to both major airports, and a plethora of neighborhoods to choose. Come home to Chicago!
Now I want to move to Portland!
I have nothing to suggest, really, because I live in a small town and love it, but if I had to choose somewhere to move, it would probably be Boulder.
It’s funny that so many people recommend Portland, because I had already started talking to Kerri about how I should visit her there. And, um, I may have found an apartment building there that I like. Even though I’ve never even seen the city. I LIKE RESEARCH, OKAY.
Chicago is great, but more expensive than Portland, which is its main disadvantage. It’s also almost too familiar; I didn’t grow up far from there and spent many a field trip at its museums. I do love that city, though, and often sort of assume I will live there awhile at some point.
As for Oakland/Berkeley, I’d like to check it out and have vague plans to do so sometime. I adore the Bay Area, for sure! It would probably come down to how much it’s going to cost me to get all the things I’m asking for. The 24-hr workspace issue is not negotiable, and that drives the price up.
Thanks for all the suggestions! Adventure, yay!
Portland is pretty much the bee’s knees. Not that I’m biased or anything.
Oh, and just last week I totally saw a glowy unicorn. (YOU CAN’T PROVE THAT I DIDN’T.)
Ahem! Ahem! I think you know where I think you should move. And NUZZLES is here. He never goes to Portland, because it rains all of the time and is bad for his Seasonal Affective Disorder.
When you have more time, I will regale you with stories of the nation’s oldest literary center, which has studios for rent and a coffee shop and visiting writers and grants and such. Also, the Twin Cities are LOUSY with hippies, and we have Roller Derby, and actually, there are many specific loft buildings in downtown St. Paul run as Artist Coops (I have an in with one of those, if you are interested) where rent is preposterously cheap and extra work space is plentiful and coffee shops/yoga studios/restaurants are within spitting distance, or even in the building. A few also happen to be across the street from the farmer’s market. And there are both skyways and underground tunnels for winter.
Did you see that we were just voted the smartest city in America? The cold keeps your mind sharp, like an icicle.
Alexa, you just gave me some kind of awesomeness seizure. I don’t even know how to feel right now. AM I TO UNDERSTAND THAT THEY LET YOU LIVE IN THE LITERARY CENTER????
Also, if you’re looking for work, might I recommend applying to the Minneapolis Tourism Department? Just send them that comment as your work sample.
may I suggest the awesomeness that is Houston? 4th largest city, but also one of the cheapest. great library. great arts scenes. small town feeling in a huge city. When I moved here in 2001, I never dreamed I would love my fair city so much, but here I am still.
Plus, we could be friends. In real life.
YOU are the website I wish I had found, lo those many months ago! Better late than never, I guess. Very pleased to make your acquaintance.
I am fourthing or fifthing Portland, although Seattle does have the awesome Rat City Roller Girls and it is fucking beautiful here. But Portland is very cool and more affordable than Seattle, and also beautiful with many many urban parks. I’d go with Portland.
Ok, I get that Portland is fabulous, and I would really like to go visit because I hear nothing but greatness…except for the rain, oh the rain. HOWEVER…my vote is for Charlotte, NC. A veritable hodgepodge of personality types, from southern to crunchy granola, from all over the country. My sister has lived there for ummm 15? years and I will eventually be moving there (which makes in awesome as well). transportation isn’t that fabulous, though they are working on it. all the other points are well taken care of, plus NICE weather, still get the seasons, but mild-ish winter. roller girls: http://www.charlotterollergirls.com/
etc etc
You appear to be describing the Uptown area of Minneapolis. I lived there for several years and it has all of the amenities you are describing. Beautiful lakes to job around, a kick-ass library, and lots and lots of trees. It even has most of the letters of Utopia!
You have just described, to a tee, Seattle or Portland. Come to the PNW, lady!
If your sparkly utopia would like to exchange buildings for rows of corn and rollergirls for wrangler sporting white supremacists, have I got the state for you.
Bellingham, WA. BETTER THAN PORTLAND. Here’s why:
1. The Roller Betties.
2. Trails everywhere (2 blocks! from my house!)
3. Only about 50,000 peeps. Portland swallows people.
4. Treeees.
5. College town.
6. The scent of patchouli greets you throughout the downtown area.
7. Liberry.
8. Proximity to foreign countries! Well, one. I hear there are Polar Bears! In Canadia! And if you come next month you can experience all the Fun and Glamour and Lack of Homeless People that is the Olympics.
9. No one has heard of it.
Oh, also, hello, COFFEE. On every corner. With wi-fi.
Also no one knows this until they get here, but ARTISTS. And writerfolk. Shh…
I am, as always, late to this party. And it looks like your commenters are leaning heavily towards the northwest. HOWEVER, I would feel remiss if I didn’t recommend Cambridge, MA. If you don’t mind cold winters, it’s got all of your requirements. (Average rents are somewhat high, but you can definitely find deals if you dig, like I did with my current and last apts. Both gems!) Your wishlist sounds almost exactly like mine, minus the in-building workspace, because I have an office just a couple blocks away. If you haven’t already set plans in motion for one of the above suggestions and want to throw this one into the pot, feel free to email me with any questions I might be able to answer.
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