Comments on: Some divorce advice, from me to you.

By: Hope James

Hope James — Sat, 28 Aug 2010 17:49:08 +0000

The 2 things I would like to add are that the opposite of love is not hate it is indifference and if you can reach that then it is truly over, and of coarse there are things that are unforgivable hence indifference.

By: jack

jack — Fri, 09 Apr 2010 18:04:00 +0000

I read this twice. It certainly wasn’t helpful.

By: Dawn Binkowski

Dawn Binkowski — Fri, 09 Apr 2010 00:23:50 +0000

What a wonderful post! Thank you for sharing that. I wonder if you would mind if I saved this and offered it to clients that are divorcing, with due credit to you of course.

Think it over.

Dawn Binkowski,
Psychotherapist

By: Ed

Ed — Fri, 26 Mar 2010 20:45:15 +0000

What a good read this was….I wish I had written it myself, but Jen…you were so much more expressive. It was sortive a “what have I learned from this” experiance reading your post. Very..very good indeed

By: Issa

Issa — Tue, 19 Jan 2010 22:00:32 +0000

Just read this three times. Want to applaud you. Or hug you. Or send everyone I know this post. Maybe all three.

Sorry…will try not to get all stalkerish. Am only three weeks into my, uh seperation I guess.

By: Glenn

Glenn — Tue, 01 Dec 2009 11:55:21 +0000

I’m just about to start divorce proceedings, today I felt really down and sad about the whole sititaion… I just read the ‘For the Divorcing’ section and the line “Hot damn, that’s profound. Write that shit down.” but made me laugh for the first time in a while! thanks for that, even if the advice goes in one ear and out the other I am sat here smiling for the first time in a while! Thanks!

By: Jen

Jen — Mon, 30 Nov 2009 08:38:32 +0000

MJ, I certainly don’t expect anyone to blame themselves for someone else’s actions. As I acknowledge in the post, it takes two, and you have to grasp that you can’t keep it friendly by yourself. I also acknowledge in the post that if you married a crazy person, you’re kind of screwed.

Believe me, I have plenty of experience with crazy ex-spouses, even if I don’t happen to have one myself. I used to do divorces for a living!

I absolutely agree that anything crazy your ex does is not your fault; I was in no way claiming that you are responsible for such things. You’re right that this post does not assume you’re dealing with a crazy person, because … well, what advice is there for that, besides inventing a time machine and marrying someone who isn’t a psychopath? It would sort of defeat the purpose of the post.

At any rate, it sounds as if you’re doing well now—congrats!

By: muzikjock

muzikjock — Mon, 30 Nov 2009 03:57:58 +0000

I love this post. I have been apart for nearly 5 years, divorce finally finished. I have to tell you that everything said in here is not only the truth, but beneficial. I have only one difference of opinion on one concept. “If your ex is hateful toward you, do your best not to escalate the situation. You would be surprised how often, if you offer the benefit of the doubt, the other person will say, “I’m sorry.” I have never heard any apology for anything, even blatant wrongs were not recognized…This posting is assuming all things are equal and you are dealing with someone that has all their marbles intact. I don’t live to make someone’s life miserable and quite honestly also don’t live my life to antagonize anyone purposely. I stay to myself, choose to do so, and I am quite content doing so. But I also will not own any retaliation from someone for just being me. I am not responsible for my ex’s behavior in any way, and I will not own any of the fault for the way she reacts to anything I do. quite frankly if I stand on my head, I will be doing it wrong.For that I will in no way own any of her behavior. She will have to address her own. I wouldn’t own the fires she created while we were married and I certainly won’t own them after. Finally I am free to be me, and I owe no one any apology for it. Its wonderful. When you’ve made the mistake of joining yourself to a sociopath, perhaps then and only then you can identify. This post doesn’t assume you are dealing with a sick person. In general though, everything in here is great advice.

By: MEP

MEP — Sun, 22 Nov 2009 13:36:35 +0000

It’s easy to tell who’s happily married and who’s not when you discuss your divorce with them. I feel like happily married people are genuinely dismayed by the news, and concerned. The unhappys are affronted and judgmental, and usually obviously jealous. It’s not too hard to tell when the only thing holding someone’s marriage together is laziness, or fear of failure, or the comfort of familar dysfunction.

By: BBrooks

BBrooks — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 15:26:28 +0000

Awesome. Great stuff – I may have to print this out & frame it; I will certainly share it with lots of friends. I’m just divorced, trying to do it the longer, more painful but ultimately more healing way, and it is good to have that affirmed. Most people are just confused, even if slightly admiring. Keep writing!