Have you ever registered for Mint.com, that site that helps you track your spending? If not, I need you to understand that logging into that site, each and every time you do it, is a radical act. I think I would rather take my chances with that scary death-video that made everyone so unphotogenic in The Ring than log in at Mint.com on any given day. Sometimes, and I am not even kidding, I sort of SQUINT when I do it, as if the sifting of the data through my squinched eyelashes will somehow soften the blow.

That first login is the worst, though. Hoo boy. In staring at the financial pie chart that is your fiscal existence, you become acutely aware of two things very quickly:

1. You are a moron.
2. You are homeless. Starting tomorrow.

I have to believe that my own personal experience was an illusion; even though it FELT, thanks to Mint.com’s rejuvenating, minty-fresh urgency, as if logging on even five seconds later would have landed me on the streets, surely that can’t be the case. After all, I lived without Mint.com for years! (Which, hey, come to think of it, is exactly why I have no money right now.) All the same, logging onto Mint.com essentially amounts to looking in your rearview mirror and realizing that the back of the giant school bus you’re driving is hanging over a steep cliff, and you are teetering in the wrong direction, one pumpkin spice latte at a time. The fact that I have been busting my ass to save money ever since, only to barely scrape by, is evidence that I visited that site not a moment too soon.

Thanks to Mint.com, I have a startling message for you. Are you ready for it? Here it is: The little things add up. I know! I can’t believe it either. I had this idea that there was a Magical Purchase Threshold. You know, like the action potential of a neuron: it either counts or it doesn’t, and in order for it to count, a certain threshold must be reached. Judging from the method by which I have slowly bled myself dry for several years, I’m going to guess that my threshold was about nine dollars. Starbucks coffees? Bagels? Chai lattes from the local coffee shop? A late-night burrito? All of these things, if you were wondering, are actually free, because they do not cost more than nine dollars. Thus, these purchases do not stimulate the neuron enough to cause it to fire.

Wait, no, I’m confusing finance with biology. Scratch that—all of those things really do cost money, and I am an idiot. Turns out that when I make two $8 purchases, both of which are LESS THAN nine dollars, somehow that adds up to $16, which is MORE THAN nine dollars. Are you getting this? To demonstrate, here’s an equation for you:

(<9) + (<9) = (SOMETIMES MORE THAN NINE DOLLARS!!!!)

Thanks to Mint.com, I’m slowly coming to terms with this mind-blowing reality. It’s kind of like that time I learned that I can’t walk to the edge of the universe, even if provided an eternity to do so, because I would merely end up in the same spot where I originally had started walking. Yes, it’s kind of like that time … except this is way simpler, and I could have grasped it when I was four if I had made any effort whatsoever to do so.

All joking aside: I was not financially responsible. I am still not really all that financially responsible. A lot of people are not financially responsible. And you guys, that’s scary. Because we’re grownups. And because the economy sucks. And because I’ve seen too many people get in over their heads too quickly. I don’t like what Mint.com has to say, but that’s mainly because the truth hurts. And the truth is that I don’t need nearly as much as I think I need. I’m still trying to learn that, and it amazes me how entitled I still feel to a $5 coffee. It amazes me how often I still fail to tell myself no.

Anyway, I’m going to go make a chai right now. With soy milk that I had to go buy at the GROCERY STORE. Just like the pioneers!